i don't know whether this entry would make any proper sense; it's just a random patchwork of thoughts i had today. apart from spending hours trying to do a few integration questions which all required answers in exact form (grrr), i was listening to my mom angst also.

it's common these days while we're so absorbed in mugging for prelims and As that we proclaim how mugging is lifeless and siannn. okay im guilty of it too, but listening to my mom rant today opened a new can of worms. perhaps at 18, we don't know the true meaning of siannnness in our current states.

it's not as if i havent listened in on her qualms and what not before, but somehow today it dawned upon me that yes there is such a thing called mid life crisis, and its not that much of a funny term that perhaps i had always made it out to be.

so whats mid life crisis? well of course im not the best person to ask for this definition, but what it is, to me at least, is when you get to a point (probably when you're arnd 40+, 50+) whereby your life just stagnates, and everything becomes like the chinese proverb "qian pian yi lu". i.e monotonous, boring, meaningless, you name it.

at this point, life seems devoid of novelty and thus devoid of purpose, that is, if one lives without knowing God. it's quite inexplicable to an atheist probably, but knowing God has given me, and many others too, a reason for living, a purpose in life. i guess there isn't exactly a cure available for mid life crisis, maybe a new hobby would resuscitate the situation for awhile, except that of finding your purpose in life.

anyway i think my mom has reached that point. oh well. i think after prelims or something i'll ask her to come for miracle service, to come to know God..and so mom if you happen to be reading this, come alright!

while reading the book of ecclesiastes over the past few days, i came across this verse which says something like it is a gift of God to be content in what you are doing. since contentment always seems to be relative to what others have, perhaps it is true that when we attain genuine contentment it can only come from one source -- from God.

it's almost like happiness, which varies based on circumstances and the lack of it has a great foothold on swaying our moods, making us angst unnecessarily and wallow in self pity. yet joy, which overflows, comes from God, and exists irregardless of our external circumstances.

nehemiah 8:10 says "the joy of the Lord is my strength", and over these 2 days, i'm learning, what it really means by faith is a choice. and i choose to believe that His joy will sustain me through all occasions, by faith. it's hard, but i'll contend for it.

but the greatest of these is love. in purpose driven life, rick warren stated something simple but yet contained a glaring truth. God made us because He loves us, and He made us to love Him on our own free accord and to love others as well. that's the underlying basis of all humanity and existence. if we don't spend our lives loving God and loving others, why should God give us another day just to waste away. life is about relationships, and no i dont mean just bgr. at the end of our lives, we'll be judged based on our relationship with God and our relationships with others, and it's one of the few things we can take into eternity. on a random note, i also realized how relationships have become an integral part of academic work, like for example, in maths >.<

so how are you going to spend your time today?

amidst all these disjointed thoughts, congratulations to those who actually read through the entry till this point. and a large thanks to all those who've been around for me these 2 days, angel, wei, jiahui (no wrong ideas here plzz) etc. huggs. thank God for you all.

and thank God,
that it is His promise that He'll never leave or forsake us
even though there may be times where we do not feel His presence in our lives.